Impromtu update

So - a lot of thinking going on lately. And a few parts on the inside have apparently awoken from a 25 year slumber. Maybe it was merely that they were gestating all this time.

So - having never been an extrovert - well...correction...I've always been an 'extrovert', but...

"To pretend, I actually do the thing: I have therefore only pretended to pretend." - Jacques Derrida

It really all started off with me lacking any form of social graces (and to an extent, that's still the case today). In attempting to appear normal, I imitated those around me. Eventually, the imitation gave way to me actually doing my own thing, but it's still always felt somehow separate from me. So...I've always been an 'extrovert', but I've never been truly extroverted - it's all superficial.

Reality is, I can't stand people. But I gave up most of the fights a long time ago. Too taxing on the body and mind. I now deal with people in stride and cling (*sometimes too much) to the people I find that I like. I still have no social graces, as far as grace goes. And I certainly have no desire to ascertain any...I like my relative mental/emotional seclusion and becoming 'nicer' might just attract more bees to the honey...I'll stick with vinegar.

But those now un-slumbering parts - some of which I was never aware existed in me (and discussion what parts I'm talking about are not in the scope of this post) - are becoming extroverted. Whatever it is that I would call a soul (were I to believe in one) wants out. I've found myself drawn to festivals and other social gatherings I would've been repulsed by. I'm reaching out to people based on the vibe I get from them (and I'm starting to get vibes from people - I've never been good at reading people). I've found this desire to connect with people, even if on an intangible level. And in the past few weeks (since this feeling arose), I've made so many connections. Some tenuous at best, some only a one-time, chance encounter. But all have had an impact on me....all have made me feel something I didn't feel before - or maybe I just noticed it this time. My third-eye still blinks shut quite often, and for lengths of time, but at least I can feel it open, now. Sans the 'god' part, I realize the meaning of this prayer:

"God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."

This is mostly catharsis, and I don't blame you for not reading this post. But I had to get it out somewhere, and somewhere I can refer people seemed the best bet.

Peace, Love, Prosperity, and Unix
Murph